A Reflective Account of Transitioning To and Graduating From a Masters Program
Link to manuscript: https://yorkspace.library.yorku.ca/xmlui/handle/10315/38765
Navigating Post-Graduate Studies
Transitioning
I am not ashamed to disclose having 'limped' into post-graduate studies, so to speak. This is to say that I hadn't thought much about an academic career path beyond life as an undergrad. I came to learn that by no means was this a rare phenomenon although it felt that way at the time. Reminds me of a phrase I try to remind myself of daily and that is that "others feel this way too". The uncertainty and related feelings of worry were as "normal" as normal can be. The anxiety welling up within my gut drove me to undergo a long overdue self-reflection. Ultimately, I decided to continue to stick with academia as a graduate student.
Getting Started
In discussing thesis topic ideas with my graduate supervisor at the time, it was implied that my contributions to science should align with the broader mission of the lab which is to promote health behavior change through empirical research. The specialty area of study is referred to as health psychology.
For better or for worse I had plenty of options to consider. Too many perhaps (paradox of choice). I scratched my head trying to visualize what the "perfect" project would look like and how I'd pull it off "perfectly". There were, of course, good days, great days even, and yet most days perfectionism and feelings of imposter-syndrome ruled the day placing a stranglehold on any creative stirring and decision-making capacity. The result was a lot of overthinking and not enough 'doing'. The cumulative effects of stress left me feeling wired and tired; I needed to find my mojo!
Finding Inspiration Through 'Doing'
At the time the lab was the recipient of a large grant from the Canadian government through a partnership with a Toronto-based health-tech company to demonstrate the cost-benefit and efficacy of introducing smartphone-enabled health coaching to promote behavioral change in chronic disease populations - type 2 diabetes, prostate cancer, and clinical depression, to name a few. If you will think 1:1 counseling supported by wearable technology and a dedicated mobile app intended to facilitate communication, engagement, and data collection.
It wasn't long until I was thrust into training sessions that eventually landed me a coaching job/research analyst. Here I got exposure to the strengths of the program as well as areas for improvement. On the technology front, the Fitbit API enabled the client's personal Fitbit data to be viewed and shared within the coaching app. Step data was useful (to be re-visited as in another post), whereas sleep and heart rate data were less so in the context of day-to-day health coaching.
Catching Lightning in a Bottle
I came away from the first health coaching study intrigued, I felt compelled to learn more about the accuracy of heart rate sensor data and to research best practices for implementing its effective use in a clinical context. The publication can be found here: https://www.jmir.org/2021/3/e24380/
Research and Coding
First I needed to find literature to frame my thesis proposal to the committee. If the literature was suggestive of a path forward I knew I would have to learn to code in python. Other than a short course in MATLAB, I held a strong conviction that coding was reserved for "highly intelligent nerds". The only way to shake this notion (and to become a nerd by my shallow definition) was to self-learn while attending weekly meetings with a data scientist (consultant) familiar with APIs and a willingness to teach me the basics.
After about 4-6 months I could work with the source code independently. By this I mean I had the autonomy to tinker with the code until I'd collected and analyzed the data to my liking. The determining factors that drove my learning was the possibility of applying my learning in an applied setting and a genuine interest in the topic.
First panic attack as an adult
My first panic attack as an adult (and coincidentally my "lightning in a bottle" moment) manifested spontaneous and took place while wearing a Fitbit. A the time of the panic event, I was seated at home in a chair while talking over the phone. The topic of conversation was triggering enough to crank up my autonomic nervous system to the point where my physiology took over as a struggled to calm down from a heightened state.
A week later I thought to myself, "oh shit, ya I was wearing my Fitbit at the time". It wasn't long before I'd plotted the time-series data for intraday heart rate on the day of the event. I would later annotate the plot to try to make sense of the phenomena in question.
Final thoughts: "Destination Graduation"
The rest, they say, is history. I would eventually graduate from the program, albeit in a part-time capacity. It was a tough slog there's no doubt about it. Along the way I learned a tremendous amount about myself, spiritually.
The journey is the reward; we know this! The journey demanded that I meet my edge. The result was personal growth. Having said that, a part of me knows I could have performed better - that I could have finished the program sooner - that I could have published my results if only I had tried harder and smarter. To what end does perfectionism know when quit. One practical counter to perfectionism is to look in the mirror each day (eyes meeting the same eyes as revealed in the mirrored reflection) as if to say with an open heart "good enough is good enough". My best was my best yet, and that's good enough for me.
To conclude, it's imperative that we give ourselves permission to let go of the past. This includes any and all regrets that would otherwise lead us to get hung up on rumination - the type of non-productive thinking that can rob us of the present moment that is our precious lives unfolding.